That chill in the air

Image from Naper Design

Like practically everybody else in America and some parts of Canada, I love Fall. I love the cooler weather, the colorful leaves. I love football and pumpkin everything and holidays. But my favorite thing about the end of summer is the end of that feeling that you should be outside doing something. Outside enjoying the weather. Ignore the fact that 95 degrees and humid is not at all enjoyable, you should be at the pool. You should be at the beach.

No, in the fall and winter it is perfectly acceptable to spend the entire day at home, inside, reading a book; making the aforementioned pumpkin treats, napping. The reality is that with two small kids, I can't spend an entire day reading or napping but at least I don't feel so bad about not having them at the playground the whole time or worse, the pool.

We are prepping for Halloween around here. My daughter, 3.5, wants to be Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony and preparing her costume was no small feat. A purchased costume would not work because in

addition to be ugly the colors aren't right and worse, the cutie mark is wrong. Caroline would not stand for that. So I had to make one from the ground up.  I made blue leggings and a blue long sleeve shirt, and ears, and wings, and a cutie mark. My mom is making a rainbow mane and tail. I'll post pictures when she has it all on, she is really so excited.

I was uninspired on a costume for my little guy so he is going as a Raven's football player. He will be tackling those bowls of candy, for sure.

We are also trying to get our house ready to go on the market. It is a lot of work because it needs a lot of updates, carpets, lights, paint and I don't know how people do this when they have small children and a husband who watches football all day on Sunday's (part of our pre-marriage agreement. Don't worry, there is plenty of give and take in our marriage and he is happy to give me my time). To say nothing, of trying to keep the house clean when tornadoes live there.

What else?

Reading: We Are Water by Wally Lamb. I am a huge fan of his books and I just started this one, it will take me forever to get through but will no doubt be worth it.

Listening: A Week in Winter by Maeve Binchy. I have ever read any of her stuff but the library had slim pickin's. It's OK so far.

Watching: Hot in Cleveland. Really, I'm just killing time until Downton Abbey is back. Must resist reading spoilers from England. Why in this age of Twitter, etc do they torture us by showing it in England first?

Sewing: A lovely wool skirt to be worn with tights and boots. I love you, Fall.

Eating: Zingerman's Chicken. Perfect for Fall. The bread. My God, the bread.

Working: 32 hours a week instead of 40 (sigh of relief). Back to work from a 2.5 week furlough during the government shutdown which was, I confess, glorious. (before you hate me, know that as a contractor, I did not get back pay for the time I wasn't working)

So that's life around here right now. We are loving fall and I am one of those people who actually really does love the holidays. Even more so this year since my parents moved to town.

I hope you are enjoying Autumn. Stay inside. Read a book.

Fine Tuning- Career edition

I love my life. Really I do. In the past, I have been through times when I really, really didn't love my life. Those were very dark times so to be able to wake up every morning and say without question, I love my life, is a big deal for me. 

I have everything I ever wanted. I have a husband that I love and is truly my partner, co-conspirator through it all. I have wonderful, healthy (knock-on-wood. PTL) children, who make me smile constantly. I have a nice home. I never worry about whether the bills will be paid or if there will be food on the table. I have friends, the kind I can hug and the kind that I can only reach through a keyboard but they are all real friends.  

I have a nice life. I don't take it for granted.

I feel like I have to put all that out there before I start talking about the things in my life that I want to change. Not because, I'm  complaining. Not because I worry that I'll be viewed as ungrateful. But as a baseline. There are things I want to change in my life but I don't need to change my life. I need some fine tuning.

Not everything is peaches and cream. My career for one. It is at a complete standstill. I have job, it pays pretty well. The boss is understanding about the needs of a working mom but something needs to change. cannot continue with the long commute, 40 hours and lack of fulfillment. Temporarily that change may come within my current position.

My career is truly one of the lowlights of my life. I had potential when I was in school but a series of bad choices and bad luck, have left me underemployed and with a very low opinion of my worth to the working world. I honestly did not pick the right major in college and I have spent my career trying to fit into a field that doesn't fit me. But there is a saying, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." I am trying very hard to embrace that philosophy and be who I want to be. The challenge is that I don't really know who I want to be, career wise. 

At 40 years old, I am attempting to find my passion and jump start my career. It is not an easy task. Years of being in the wrong field have left me wondering if I have any talents that can be translated into a new career. Fear of leaving my family in a financial lurch has kept me from taking any risks. A lifetime of self-esteem issues have kept me from thinking I could ever be good enough to succeed in making a career out of the things I enjoy. 

This is a post without any kind of resolution. I am putting my goals out there without any real plan for making them happen. However, writing this down has been cathartic and a little eye opening. My fears don't seem so daunting when I go back and read this. I do have the safety net of my husband. My parents are nearby now to provide the extra support I might need, whenever it is I figure out what I want to do. Even if I fail, I still have kids that think I am the greatest. They are the best reminders that who I am is not what I do. 

Hopefully, there will be some follow-up to this post. A plan of action? A revelation? I don't know. 

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears" -Les Brown

I would love any resource recommendations for career transitions and finding your passion.

Snapshot

What I'm watching:

I am a little embarrassed to admit what show I am currently obsessed with. But I feel the need to share. Especially with my sisters, who despite being well (very, very well) out of our teens still love a good teen drama. Pretty Little Liars. It is awesome. I am engrossed and currently working my way through the entire series. Thank you, Netflix, Amazon Prime and my beloved Kindle Fire. Watching these four girls try to figure out who A is, has taken up way too much of my time lately but I love it. Spoby forever!

What I'm reading...

I've got two books going on right now. One that I am actually reading (see above mentioned beloved Kindle) and one that I am listening to in my car during my commute. I go through a lot more books in my car than I manage to actually read-read. can you count them as read if you listened to them. I am, so there. 

Audio: Family Pictures by Jane Green. I've loved most of Jane Green's books. Yes, they are chick lit, but I am a chick. This is about two women who discover they share something in common, a husband! I am only about halfway through so I won't give any kind of synopsis. I'll just say that, as much as I love Jane's books, I'm not liking the "perfect" characters that she has incorporated into a few books lately. Like Callie in Promises to Keep, I find Sylvie to perfect to like and relate too. Maggie is a much more sympathetic character to me. 

Text: Where We Belong by Emily Griffin- I'm not very far into this one at all. Basic premise is a woman who meets the daughter she gave up for adoption 17-18 years ago. Again, I have like Emily's books in the past and I'm sure I'll like this one but I rarely find time for uninterrupted reading so it takes me a while to get though it. 

What I'm enjoying.....

Sewing: I'm seriously loving turning fabric into clothes. Imperfect clothes but I'm getting better all the time. I have a long list of patterns that I am coveting and an even longer project wish list. Now all I need is time and money.

What I'm digging...

Evernote: Where have you been all my life? Seriously, this makes everything organized and  accessible from work, home, phone, Kindle. Love. Love. Love. 

What are you loving right now?

FAT Friday: 7/13/12

Soooo, as I mentioned earlier this week I have been having a hard time on the weight loss front for the last few weeks. Busyness, stress, exhaustion and being a little down has all driven this emotional eater to her vices of choice, sugar and bingeing. I won't delve into the details but I am up 3 pounds. I'm not happy.

I haven't been running. It has been hot. I haven't had time. I have just been lazy. It's such a cycle, when I run I feel like eating well and when I eat well I feel like running. Take away one of those and I seem to lose the other.

The bad part is that I just don't know when I'll get it back. As much as I want to lose weight for all the reasons I have mentioned before, I just don't feel like doing the work. I don't feel like running. I don't feel like counting calories, even though there is no way I'll drop a pound without it. I don't feel like sacrificing food when I already make so many other sacrifices in life.

I'll get it together, I'm just going through a rough time emotionally right now. I miss my kids. Yeah, I see them everyday but I want to be part of there whole lives all day long. I'm not happy as a working mom. Yet, I don't see a way around it. We could survive on one income but it would be very hard and my husband is really not even remotely supportive of the idea. So every morning, my heart breaks in half as I walk out the door and it stays broken until I get home. It doesn't help that my 2 year-old has started begging me to stay every morning. The guilt, the guilt, the guilt.

If you aren't an emotional eater, you probably wonder what all that has to do with weight loss. If you are an emotional eater then I don't have to explain the need to fill the whole in your heart with food.

It's my problem to figure out. I'm trying to come up with some ways to earn some income while being home with my kids. It would help if I was creative, artistic or a good writer. But I'm not any of those things.

For now I will just remind myself why I want to be healthy and hope that inspires something in me.

1. For my kids. They deserve a healthy mom. I don't want them to have a fat mom. I want to live to have relationship with my grandkids.

2. For my husband. He deserves a healthy attractive wife. His health goes as my health goes. When I'm doing the right things, he does too.

3. For myself. I want to have energy. I don't want diabetes and all the other health problems that go with obesity. I want to run races again. I want to fit into my old clothes and take pride in my appearance.

I will run tomorrow morning first thing. That is a promise.

Catch up

:big, long, exasperated sigh:

Yeah, I've been absent. I got busy. Then I got stressed. That resulted in me dropping the ball on a lot of things. Blogging for one, by the time I sat down at a computer at night, I barely had energy to read a little Facebook or Pinterest before I passed out.

Fitness is the other area that went awry. And I don't mean a little. When I'm stressed I eat. My pills of choice in those times are M&Ms, I don't want to talk about how many have been consumed in the last 2 weeks. Also, I failed to plan. I wasn't planning my lunches or snacks and that resulted in trips to the vending machine and deciding on what to eat for lunch when I was already starving (Chick-fil-a, always Chick-fil-a). Worst of all, I haven't run or done any exercise in 2 weeks. I have excuses, it has been hot as a mother trucker so I can't go during lunch. My kids have been waking in the early pre-dawn hours which has made it difficult to go early morning (getting out the door when they are awake is next to impossible), I've just been so busy.

But things have eased up a little now and I am back on focus. I'll delve into the ugly on FAT Friday this week.

For now, some randomness of what has been going on in our lives:

• My daughter starts ballet lessons today. She and I so excited. I try not to push her into the girly stuff but she makes her way there naturally and I refuse to be ashamed of loving every minute of it. There will be pictures. Hold on to your ovaries.
• We found out last week that my son has a paralyzed 6th cranial nerve. That means that his left eye has limited movement. We were really hoping for a muscle issue rather than a nerve as there are fixes for muscle problems. There is nothing to do for the nerve issue. He will likely develop ways of compensating for the double vision that can come with it. For now we just monitor him and patch his good eye occasionally to make sure his left eye doesn't shut down. The ophthalmologist will be a part of his childhood. 
• A couple of years ago we had our house on the market and put a lot of our junk in storage. The house didn't sell but we never bothered to take our stuff out of the storage unit until finally with a price increase up to $200 a month(!!!!) we finally cleaned it out. Now my entire bottom floor is covered in boxes of junk. I'm slowly going through it all and planning a heck of a yard sale in the coming months. Everything must go. 
• We are less than 2 weeks away from our beach vacation. I am so excited to spend a week where the adults outnumber the kids!!!!!!

Fat Friday: 5/25/12

I was all set to post today about how frustrated I was that I am doing the right things but losing no weight. Because yesterday, the scale showed a big 0 for weight loss this week. I was going to talk about how I kept myself going by thinking about the reasons for eating healthy besides weight.

But this morning the scale was kinder and had me at a total of 1.6 pounds down since last Friday. That's a total of 4.4 for the month of May so far. I might have a chance of reaching my unspoken goal hope of 5 pounds this month.

Honestly, I thought I would lose more. I thought with nursing, toddler chasing, baby hauling and C25King, I could lose more but I am averaging 1-1.5 pounds a week and I have to be happy satisfied with that. And to be perfectly honest, I really wasn't doing everything right this week. I had a couple of days that were well over my calorie goal. I had movie theater popcorn. I had a cupcake. I'm not beating myself up over though the way I would have in the past. I understand my limitations. I'm trying to live a life while dropping pounds. I'm just trying to be the best me I can be on any given day. And some days the best me needs cupcakes....and wine.

Every time I eat now, I ask myself, "Do you want Caroline to see you eating like this?" If the answer is no, I TRY to curtail myself. Sometimes the answer is yes even when it isn't the healthiest choice. Yes, I want her to see me having a treat of a cupcake on our special mommy-daughter shopping day.  It was a special occasion.

I really worry about passing my eating issues onto her. Landry too, but her more so because she is a girl and girls just struggle with this stuff more.  I'm trying to be very conscious of my actions. The other day she was crying because she had hurt herself and as I was comforting her I managed to stop myself from offering food as a means of comfort. It was my first instinct. Food makes you feel better. But I stopped. I offered her more hugs and asked if she wanted to work a puzzle together. That worked. At 2 years old, time with mommy is better than food. I wish it could stay that way forever.

I'm still rolling through the C25K program. I'll be doing W6D2 today during lunch. I am not really getting in much exercise other than that. I would like to but I just can't find the time. I guess if I really wanted to, I would find the time. I'll get there.

This weekend, will be a challenge. We are headed to my brother-in-law's house for the weekend and there is always a feast and good times. I'll try for moderation. That's the best me I can be in that situation.

Wordless Wednesday

Starting again from the beginning

I have started and stopped many blogs. I've never been able to find my identity as a blogger. Did I want to be a mommy blogger or a fitness blogger? Anonymous or open? Why blog anyway? Because of that lack of direction, my blogs have fallen by the wayside as my focus in life changes.

The last question is the easiest to answer:Why blog if I kind of suck at it anyway? I love blogs. I love to read about other people who are interested in the same things I am or are going through what I'm going through. I love those glimpses into other peoples lives. I am in awe of some of the bloggers that I read. How do they make their ordinary lives so riveting to readers?

They are skilled writers and I am not. That is a fact that I accept and I know that I'm never going to have a huge blog following. I don't particularly want that as I have enough on my plate with my job and family without feeling obligated to write a blog post. I just want a place to write about what I'm thinking about at any given time. Some days it will be weight loss and my attempts to get back in pre-baby shape. Some days it will be my cutie patootie kiddos. Or cloth diapers. Or Mad Men. Or maybe even some current issues. Whatever! No more will I try to write a blog about something particular, my attention span is too short for that kind of commitment. Randomness will be the theme.

So who am I?

I am Laura. I am 39 years old. I got married at the ripe old age of 35, after which I popped out my first kid at the even riper old age of 36 (Caroline, age 2). 2 years later I had another kid (Landry, age 1 mo). I am a stepmother. I work outside the home full-time.  I need to lose about 50 pounds. I breastfeed and cloth diaper. I love TV and the internets. I'm obsessed with the ID channel and wonder if I should be disturbed by that fact. I'm a Southern girl transplanted to the Mid-Atlantic. Go Vols. I spend too much and save too little. I have an amazing husband and I frequently worry that he will come to his senses. I am fine with being imperfect.