That chill in the air

Image from Naper Design

Like practically everybody else in America and some parts of Canada, I love Fall. I love the cooler weather, the colorful leaves. I love football and pumpkin everything and holidays. But my favorite thing about the end of summer is the end of that feeling that you should be outside doing something. Outside enjoying the weather. Ignore the fact that 95 degrees and humid is not at all enjoyable, you should be at the pool. You should be at the beach.

No, in the fall and winter it is perfectly acceptable to spend the entire day at home, inside, reading a book; making the aforementioned pumpkin treats, napping. The reality is that with two small kids, I can't spend an entire day reading or napping but at least I don't feel so bad about not having them at the playground the whole time or worse, the pool.

We are prepping for Halloween around here. My daughter, 3.5, wants to be Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony and preparing her costume was no small feat. A purchased costume would not work because in

addition to be ugly the colors aren't right and worse, the cutie mark is wrong. Caroline would not stand for that. So I had to make one from the ground up.  I made blue leggings and a blue long sleeve shirt, and ears, and wings, and a cutie mark. My mom is making a rainbow mane and tail. I'll post pictures when she has it all on, she is really so excited.

I was uninspired on a costume for my little guy so he is going as a Raven's football player. He will be tackling those bowls of candy, for sure.

We are also trying to get our house ready to go on the market. It is a lot of work because it needs a lot of updates, carpets, lights, paint and I don't know how people do this when they have small children and a husband who watches football all day on Sunday's (part of our pre-marriage agreement. Don't worry, there is plenty of give and take in our marriage and he is happy to give me my time). To say nothing, of trying to keep the house clean when tornadoes live there.

What else?

Reading: We Are Water by Wally Lamb. I am a huge fan of his books and I just started this one, it will take me forever to get through but will no doubt be worth it.

Listening: A Week in Winter by Maeve Binchy. I have ever read any of her stuff but the library had slim pickin's. It's OK so far.

Watching: Hot in Cleveland. Really, I'm just killing time until Downton Abbey is back. Must resist reading spoilers from England. Why in this age of Twitter, etc do they torture us by showing it in England first?

Sewing: A lovely wool skirt to be worn with tights and boots. I love you, Fall.

Eating: Zingerman's Chicken. Perfect for Fall. The bread. My God, the bread.

Working: 32 hours a week instead of 40 (sigh of relief). Back to work from a 2.5 week furlough during the government shutdown which was, I confess, glorious. (before you hate me, know that as a contractor, I did not get back pay for the time I wasn't working)

So that's life around here right now. We are loving fall and I am one of those people who actually really does love the holidays. Even more so this year since my parents moved to town.

I hope you are enjoying Autumn. Stay inside. Read a book.

Fine Tuning- Career edition

I love my life. Really I do. In the past, I have been through times when I really, really didn't love my life. Those were very dark times so to be able to wake up every morning and say without question, I love my life, is a big deal for me. 

I have everything I ever wanted. I have a husband that I love and is truly my partner, co-conspirator through it all. I have wonderful, healthy (knock-on-wood. PTL) children, who make me smile constantly. I have a nice home. I never worry about whether the bills will be paid or if there will be food on the table. I have friends, the kind I can hug and the kind that I can only reach through a keyboard but they are all real friends.  

I have a nice life. I don't take it for granted.

I feel like I have to put all that out there before I start talking about the things in my life that I want to change. Not because, I'm  complaining. Not because I worry that I'll be viewed as ungrateful. But as a baseline. There are things I want to change in my life but I don't need to change my life. I need some fine tuning.

Not everything is peaches and cream. My career for one. It is at a complete standstill. I have job, it pays pretty well. The boss is understanding about the needs of a working mom but something needs to change. cannot continue with the long commute, 40 hours and lack of fulfillment. Temporarily that change may come within my current position.

My career is truly one of the lowlights of my life. I had potential when I was in school but a series of bad choices and bad luck, have left me underemployed and with a very low opinion of my worth to the working world. I honestly did not pick the right major in college and I have spent my career trying to fit into a field that doesn't fit me. But there is a saying, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." I am trying very hard to embrace that philosophy and be who I want to be. The challenge is that I don't really know who I want to be, career wise. 

At 40 years old, I am attempting to find my passion and jump start my career. It is not an easy task. Years of being in the wrong field have left me wondering if I have any talents that can be translated into a new career. Fear of leaving my family in a financial lurch has kept me from taking any risks. A lifetime of self-esteem issues have kept me from thinking I could ever be good enough to succeed in making a career out of the things I enjoy. 

This is a post without any kind of resolution. I am putting my goals out there without any real plan for making them happen. However, writing this down has been cathartic and a little eye opening. My fears don't seem so daunting when I go back and read this. I do have the safety net of my husband. My parents are nearby now to provide the extra support I might need, whenever it is I figure out what I want to do. Even if I fail, I still have kids that think I am the greatest. They are the best reminders that who I am is not what I do. 

Hopefully, there will be some follow-up to this post. A plan of action? A revelation? I don't know. 

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears" -Les Brown

I would love any resource recommendations for career transitions and finding your passion.

Sometimes I think I have it together....

And then there are nights like tonight. As I write this it is 9:30 PM. My 3 year old is still awake.  I've been dealing with trying to get kids in bed since 7:00. My son is going through a "screaming bloody murder unless someone is in the room with him, preferably holding him" phase and taking forever to fall asleep even when he is exhausted. It never fails that just as he is about to drift off my 3 year old will yell something out in the hall and get him worked up all over again. By the time I am done with him, I have no patience left for her typical pre-schooler bedtime shenanigans. You can put your pajamas on all by yourself? Well F'ing put them on already and stop playing with that damn hand towel. Then I speed read a book chosen for its brevity. The Princess and the Pea tonight, as story with no redeeming qualities that I can discern but it's short so I picked it. And then I feel bad because she hasn't done anything to deserve my snappishness and probably has no idea why it's pissimg me off that she won't just put the damn toothbrush in her mouth.

I don't whether to drink or cry.

Help is here

As a child, I didn't grow up with my grandparents nearby. By the time I was five years-old, I was down to one grandparent, my mother's mother, and she lived in Florida while I was growing in Tennessee. She died when I was 10, so there was never the option of having grandparents nearby. But I was always jealous of the other kids, who not only had grandparents, but had grandparents they saw all the time because they lived locally. To be honest, I was also jealous of the idea of getting presents from grandparents too, they always seemed like the best gifts.

But it wasn't to be for me.

After becoming an adult and moving from Tennessee to Maryland (with stops along the way) and then having children of my own, I was once again jealous of in-town grandparents. My husband's parents had both, unfortunately, passed away before I ever met him (his mom during his senior year of high school) and my parents lived 600 miles away in Tennessee. Right where they had lived their entire lives.

Until last week. 

I had never ever considered the possibility of my parents moving. I could see my mom being on board but my dad, no, I just couldn't see it. Even when my mom mused about the possibility. I paid her no attention. When she talked about getting rid of stuff and putting the house on the market, I didn't think they would pull the trigger. 

Then they did put their house on the market. And then they bought a house five minutes from where I live. And then last week they moved everything out of the house they have lived in for the last 38 years and drove it all to Maryland and became my neighbor. 

I still can't really believe it. My kids have grandparents they can see if not everyday then almost everyday. My husband and I have a babysitter anytime we need/want it. Free! 

I have help. If one of my kids is sick and can't go to daycare- they can go to grandma's. If I get the call from daycare 11 seconds, after I walk int he door at work- grandma. If I need somebody to be at my house so a repairman can come in the day- Grandpa! The list goes on and on.

My parents aren't quite up for taking care of an 18 month-old and a 3.5 year old 40+ hours a week, so they will still go to daycare, but Caroline will cut down to 2 days a week and start going to part-time preschool 3 days a week. This is a possibility only because Grandma is now available to take her and pick her up. 

And it goes two ways. They have us to help them with all of the things that get hard as people get older. Repairs around the house, lawn mowing, navigating this and that. And down the line (hopefully, years and years down the line) care during sickness and beyond. I am so happy that they will be near me for however many years are left. 

The truly best part of it all though is that my children love them so much and vice-versa. Nothing makes my day more than seeing my "grumpy-old-man" father break into a huge smile as my little runs to him yelling,"'Pa! 'Pa!"

FAT Friday: 7/13/12

Soooo, as I mentioned earlier this week I have been having a hard time on the weight loss front for the last few weeks. Busyness, stress, exhaustion and being a little down has all driven this emotional eater to her vices of choice, sugar and bingeing. I won't delve into the details but I am up 3 pounds. I'm not happy.

I haven't been running. It has been hot. I haven't had time. I have just been lazy. It's such a cycle, when I run I feel like eating well and when I eat well I feel like running. Take away one of those and I seem to lose the other.

The bad part is that I just don't know when I'll get it back. As much as I want to lose weight for all the reasons I have mentioned before, I just don't feel like doing the work. I don't feel like running. I don't feel like counting calories, even though there is no way I'll drop a pound without it. I don't feel like sacrificing food when I already make so many other sacrifices in life.

I'll get it together, I'm just going through a rough time emotionally right now. I miss my kids. Yeah, I see them everyday but I want to be part of there whole lives all day long. I'm not happy as a working mom. Yet, I don't see a way around it. We could survive on one income but it would be very hard and my husband is really not even remotely supportive of the idea. So every morning, my heart breaks in half as I walk out the door and it stays broken until I get home. It doesn't help that my 2 year-old has started begging me to stay every morning. The guilt, the guilt, the guilt.

If you aren't an emotional eater, you probably wonder what all that has to do with weight loss. If you are an emotional eater then I don't have to explain the need to fill the whole in your heart with food.

It's my problem to figure out. I'm trying to come up with some ways to earn some income while being home with my kids. It would help if I was creative, artistic or a good writer. But I'm not any of those things.

For now I will just remind myself why I want to be healthy and hope that inspires something in me.

1. For my kids. They deserve a healthy mom. I don't want them to have a fat mom. I want to live to have relationship with my grandkids.

2. For my husband. He deserves a healthy attractive wife. His health goes as my health goes. When I'm doing the right things, he does too.

3. For myself. I want to have energy. I don't want diabetes and all the other health problems that go with obesity. I want to run races again. I want to fit into my old clothes and take pride in my appearance.

I will run tomorrow morning first thing. That is a promise.

Summer Vacation

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

That, my friends, is the sound of summer vacation starting. Not for me. I still have to get up every morning and drive nearly 40 miles to work. But for my husband, a teacher, it is the start of 8 weeks off.

I used to be jealous. Before we had kids, he would just hang out all summer- going to the pool, lazing around the house, occasionally, but not nearly often enough, doing something useful.

But now in the summers, he is a stay at home dad. Not an easy job to be sure, but one I would trade him for any day of the week.

Since the first summer after our daughter was born, I have come to realize just how wonderful it is for one part of a married couple not to work. Now, instead of rushing every morning to get lunches and diapers packed and kids up, dressed and fed before trying to get everyone out the door on time, I just had to get myself ready. I just had to pack my lunch. When I left the house this morning everyone was still in their pajamas and it wasn't my problem. It wasn't a problem at all.

For the next 8 weeks, all errands are to be done by my husband. Midweek trips to the grocery store, cooking dinner, trips to the library, all his job. All I have to do in the evenings is take the kids off his hands. OK!!!! I don't have to get bottles ready for the next day, he can fill them as he goes during the day. I don't have to make sure diapers go through the whole diaper routine, if they aren't clean and dry by morning no biggie, he can finish them during the day. Cooking dinner- for some reason, I still have to plan all the meals but he will cook them!

You have no idea how much time all of this frees up. To be able to come home and just focus on playing with my kids rather than worrying about getting everything in motion to be ready for the next day. To get up in the morning with only myself to worry about. To have all the errands taken care of so that weekends can be about relaxation and fun!!!!!! It makes all of our lives better.

Unfortunately, we are not in a position for one of us to stay home full time, all the time (I'm looking for the right work at home opportunity but it has to make us at least break even). This is why I am in the market for a sister-wife. An independently wealthy, OCD cleaning, asexual, unattractive sister-wife.

I live for weekends

There was a time in my life when weekends were relaxing and unhurried. I woke when I wanted and left the house (or didn't leave the house) as I pleased. Getting out of the house was as simple as picking up my purse and walking out the door.

Those days ended the minute my daughter was born. Now sleeping in on the weekends means 6:00 AM and getting out of the house requires military style planning. And relaxing? Ha. ha, ha.

But, I still live for the weekends. It's when I get to spend time with my favorite people without worrying about whether the diapers or bottles are clean, if I have food for Caroline's lunch or if my commute is going to be straight out of hell that day.

So HOORAY for weekends! Highlights from this weekend.

Dinner with friends. The WHOLE family. Four adults, a twelve year old, two 2 y/o's and two infants. They loved seeing us coming.

Bathing Suit Shopping.  For months Caroline has been telling me that she wants a bathing suit with a matching hat and I just couldn't resist giving in to her desire. So Saturday we took a special Mommy and daughter shopping trip to buy a bathing suit. She wore the hat for most of the day. We finished up the outing by going downtown to try out the new cupcakery. Caroline was very excited to order her cupcake "with sprinkles" and hold and talk about her cupcake. But under no circumstances would she dare eat such a thing.

Girls' Night. I'm a girls' girl so spending time with my girlfriends is heaven for me. While my wonderful hubby took care of our babies, my friends and I went to see What to Expect When You're Expecting. It was better that I was expecting (ha ha). Really quite funny. And I loved getting catch up and laugh with my girls. And there was popcorn.

This weekend will be even better. 1) It is a long weekend! 2) We're heading my in-laws house in historic Chestertown, Maryland for the Chestertown Tea Party. We go every year and always have a wonderful time. I can't wait. It will be Landry's first time away from home.

Back to the grind

Monday morning when my husband's alarm clock went off, instead of rolling over and trying to go back to sleep like I have for the last 12 weeks, I had to haul myself out of bed, put on my big girl clothes and try to make myself look presentable.

Yep, maternity leave is over, my friends. :insert sad face here:

For 12 glorious weeks, I didn't have to worry about commuting, or meetings, or deadlines. But happy, fun time has come to an end and my life is busy hectic batshit crazy.

Mornings now consists of getting myself and two kids dressed, lunches/bottles made, toddler fed and baby nursed, clean diapers packed, several baby diaper changes during the process, spit up cleaned, and let's not forget mama's coffee.

Then I get to spend 45 minutes of me time in my car. I seriously don't mind my morning commute. It's when I enjoy my coffee while it is actually hot and listen to audiobooks.

Work a full day then hit the streets for the 60 minute drive home. This one is less fun, there is no coffee and I am anxious to get home.

Get home, nurse Landry, play with Caroline, help fix dinner, bath times, bed times, wash diapers, prep as much for tomorrow morning as possible, clean kitchen, shower, 5 minutes playing on Facebook until my eyes can't stay open a minute longer.

Well, that was day 1 anyway. I'm sure we will find our groove and if not, Scott will be on summer vacation in another month.