Monday, November 11, 2013

The Elephant in the Room

If you go back through the archives of this blog, you will see that time and again I have posted about my attempts at weight loss. If you look at recent pictures in this blog or my Facebook page, you will see that any and all efforts have been abandoned.

I'm still fat. News flash.

I have been on and off the wagon several times over the last few years. After a decade spent running and fastidiously watching my diet, I just can't get it together long term. The problem: Happiness.

When I was younger and single, I put way too much weight on my weight. I was convinced that I had no chance at happiness unless I was thin, toned, with hair and makeup that were just right. It wasn't particularly rational but I never claimed to be without issues. So it was that fear of unhappiness that drove me to run further, go to the gym daily and count calories mercilessly.

Then I got married and had two babies and find myself fat. And Happy. And that's the problem, I'm happy and just not driven to lose weight by fear that 5 extra pounds will doom me to a miserable life. I am fat and I am loved. I am fat and I have friends. I am fat and I love myself. I am fat and wake up each day thankful that I am so damn lucky.

But alas, I want to stay happy for another 60 years. And I do want to look better. I want to rock the clothes I sew. So I have to keep trying to find that spark. Find that moment that will send me down the right path. Right now I am doing things right. I won't be talking a lot about it because, I've been here before. If something significant starts to happen, I'm sure it will become a topi
c I bring to forefront a little more.

We have gotten back in the gym. That helps. Until now, our gym membership hasn't been used to it's fullest. Dropping my kids in the kid's area resulted in one happy kid and one kid who cried himself sick. It's hard to motivate yourself to the gym when that is the result. So my husband and took turns and it mostly just didn't happen. A few weeks ago we decided to try it again and hope that Landry took the (pretty awesome) Kid Zone a little better. He did. He went in a never looked back. He loves it. My daughter loves it and there is no better motivation than taking your kids somewhere that a) they love b) costs no additional money and c) wears them the hell out.

So now they are my little personal trainers. Begging to go to the "play place" all the time. As cold weather approaches and indoor activities are needed this will be even more crucial.

So that's my weight update. I may talk more about it. I may not. I may ride this train to a more healthy size. I may fail. I don't know. All I know is that today, I am trying.


  1. I had to stop and read your post simple so I can get a better idea of what you consider fat. I appreciated your honesty and found that without a doubt everyone's idea of fat is clearly not the same. I looked at the picture above and saw a happy healthy looking woman not a walking stick. In my opinion as long as you are healthy and active and eating reasonably healthy than a number on a scale does not matter. You commented on how you are loved and how that makes you happy, so why are you so focused on your weight? We are not all meant to be a size 3 or even an 8. We all can't be 120 lbs or even 145. Perhaps if you changed your focus and perspective you could view things differently therefore finding something that works for you and you will enjoy and stick to. Best of luck, again thank you for your share and honesty. Best thing in the world is to be loved and it seems you are so enjoy :)

  2. Thank you for your comments. In truth I am tall so I carry weight a little better than someone shorter than me, but I am well over the healthy limit. My BMI has me well into the obese category. I am comfortable with the fact that I'll never look like my wedding pictures again but I can't deny some of the physical realities of being at this weight that I would like to change- such as swollen feet and less energy. I think we can be happy and still want to improve ourselves, right?