The Elephant in the Room

If you go back through the archives of this blog, you will see that time and again I have posted about my attempts at weight loss. If you look at recent pictures in this blog or my Facebook page, you will see that any and all efforts have been abandoned.

I'm still fat. News flash.

I have been on and off the wagon several times over the last few years. After a decade spent running and fastidiously watching my diet, I just can't get it together long term. The problem: Happiness.

When I was younger and single, I put way too much weight on my weight. I was convinced that I had no chance at happiness unless I was thin, toned, with hair and makeup that were just right. It wasn't particularly rational but I never claimed to be without issues. So it was that fear of unhappiness that drove me to run further, go to the gym daily and count calories mercilessly.

Then I got married and had two babies and find myself fat. And Happy. And that's the problem, I'm happy and just not driven to lose weight by fear that 5 extra pounds will doom me to a miserable life. I am fat and I am loved. I am fat and I have friends. I am fat and I love myself. I am fat and wake up each day thankful that I am so damn lucky.

But alas, I want to stay happy for another 60 years. And I do want to look better. I want to rock the clothes I sew. So I have to keep trying to find that spark. Find that moment that will send me down the right path. Right now I am doing things right. I won't be talking a lot about it because, I've been here before. If something significant starts to happen, I'm sure it will become a topi
c I bring to forefront a little more.

We have gotten back in the gym. That helps. Until now, our gym membership hasn't been used to it's fullest. Dropping my kids in the kid's area resulted in one happy kid and one kid who cried himself sick. It's hard to motivate yourself to the gym when that is the result. So my husband and took turns and it mostly just didn't happen. A few weeks ago we decided to try it again and hope that Landry took the (pretty awesome) Kid Zone a little better. He did. He went in a never looked back. He loves it. My daughter loves it and there is no better motivation than taking your kids somewhere that a) they love b) costs no additional money and c) wears them the hell out.

So now they are my little personal trainers. Begging to go to the "play place" all the time. As cold weather approaches and indoor activities are needed this will be even more crucial.


So that's my weight update. I may talk more about it. I may not. I may ride this train to a more healthy size. I may fail. I don't know. All I know is that today, I am trying.

5 years and a lifetime to go

Five short years ago, I put on a beautiful white dress, got a smashing updo and made my way down an aisle lined with family and friends to meet up with a handsome man in a tuxedo. On that night we said our I do's and started our lives together.

 I haven't regretted it.

My husband wasn't the only guy waiting at the end of the aisle that day. In addition to becoming a wife I also became a stepmother. And, on November 7, 2008 we became a family.

 I don't really write about my stepson. He is old enough that his privacy dictates that. He is old enough to tell his own stories. Second, being a blended family has enough challenges that it doesn't need me sharing the gory details with the world. But when I speak of my family, I mean all five of us.

Back then we were three. We added two more to make things complete. And then we were five.

 Five years and one day ago, it was just me. And now I have all this. Life is good